It is a period of political war. Rebel hackers, striking from a hidden base (USSR), have won their first victory against the evil Political National Convention.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret emails revealing the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the RIGGED NOMINEE PROCESS, an armored space station with enough power to destroy 318.9 million freedom lovers in mere minutes.
Pursued by the Presidential Candidate’s closed minded agents, Prince Aladdin races home aboard his starship, custodian of the bitter truth that he can do nothing to save his people and restore freedom to the galaxy….
We recently had time to sit down with Vader and get his thoughts on his latest campaign push:
Interviewer: Mr. Vader, would you care to comment on your campaign’s focus? You created quite the stir when you announced that you were running.
Vader: Call me Darth.
Interviewer: OK, Darth…
Vader: Darth Vader.
Interviewer: Sigh. Darth Vader, would you care to comment on your campaign’s focus?
Vader: To rule the galaxy with an iron fist, squashing rebellious ideals and incompetence with a wave of my hand and the crush of a trachea! I don’t lie to your faces about where I store my emails or give my party a bad name by being an abrasive tool. A lightsaber and the Force are the only campaign aids needed to run the most successful election bid this universe has ever seen!!!
Interviewer: Any comment on the last time elections were run and how that ended up? This used to be a Republic, after-all, and the Galactic Senate wasn’t so long ago as to be forgotten.
Vader: No, no comment.
Interviewer: Hmm. Well then, would you care to share about your childhood?
Vader: It was rather lonely. One of my favorite stories was how they used to tease me with the name “Handy Ani” – I killed the first person who called me that by shoving them into a repulsor beam triangulator, but somehow the name stuck… in general, my friends were limited to a protocol droid and the occasional estranged rabble that were in dire need of a good scrubbing. Fortunately, I had a lucky break and got off of my home planet when I did. The rest is history.
Interviewer: That’s… great. Any hobbies you wished you had kept up with?
Vader: Ah, definitely varsity podracing – I was the only human who could do it.
Interviewer: Well, I know Sebulba has a warm place in his heart for you. What are some of your goals for the Galaxy?
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me. [The Sith Code]
Interviewer: OK……. moving right along. What are your thoughts on taxes?
Vader: Give to Vader what is Vader’s, and to the Emperor what is the Emperor’s.
Interviewer: Sounds hauntingly familiar. Do you have a foreign policy?
Vader: Superlaser first; questions later. Ask Alderaan. *evil laugh and slaps knee*
Interviewer: *horrified stare*
Interviewer: Nothing. How about education?
Vader: Pay your own damn tuition and don’t expect to get free writes-offs! The Empire is not here to give handouts. I was given nothing growing up other than spare robot parts, a brutal childhood, and stale nerf nuggets for breakfast. I only got to where I am today but embracing my fear, hatred, and anger towards the Jedi!
Interviewer: How do you feel about guns? Healthcare?
Vader: Every citizen in the known galaxy walks around with at least one gun. Let them have at it. As far as healthcare, I fully support over the counter sales of Bacta tanks, but I don’t really endorse pediatricians. Had a bad experience when my twins were born…. Physicians stitched me back together after the lava melted my body but they couldn’t save my secret wife in childbirth… #LetDown
Interviewer: But Darth Vader…
Vader: *piercing gaze*
Interviewer: Err, yes, well. Next topic. Do you have a plan for creating jobs for the billions of citizens?
Vader: The minimum wage doesn’t need to be raised, in case you were going to ask. Get a job on my latest and greatest battle station – that will keep you busy! The constant threat of death has been known to prevent laziness. And there are plenty of opportunities for rapid promotion when your incompetent colleagues drop the ball.
Interviewer: Thoughts on TRPP?
Vader: If by TRPP you mean the “Trade for Really Powerful People” then I fully support everyone sending their goods and services to the Empire as thanks for our impeccable service. We do employ many bounty hunters to make good on our collections; however, so don’t be late on your payments. *waves to Boba Fett in the crowd*
Interviewer: Do you have a favorite food?
Vader: I thrive solely on the fear of others!
Interviewer: That’s to be expected given the ominous black mask and breathing apparatus. Who has been your mentor throughout the process?
Vader: Emperor Palpatine and his force lightning have paved my path towards the Dark Side, and now they will see me elected President of the Galaxy, or “PoG” as I like to call it…
Interviewer: That’s just wonderful. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment?
Vader: That I still look this good, even though I’m more machine than man now, twisted and evil.
Interviewer: Last question, and since you’re such an inspiration to us all, what is the best advice your father gave you?
Vader: …I DON’T HAVE A FATHER… *force chokes interviewer and stomps off-stage*
Brace yourself. November 8th is coming… Vote Vader for 2016.
Note: all images were pulled from Google and were not my original creation.